Goodbyes are not forever…
“Goodbyes are not forever, Goodbyes are not the end; it simply means ‘I’ll miss you,’ until we meet again.”
I have put off writing this post forever because I don’t think there is any way I’ll be able to do it justice. I probably still can’t, but have chosen to try today… on what would have been our 35th Anniversary…
The Cancer Journey...
March 16, 2020
Diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer. You hadn’t been feeling well. You had been tired and not had any energy. I remember telling you that you looked jaundiced. Your skin had a yellow tint as did the whites of your eyes. In typical “Joe” fashion you said, “NO I DON’T”! But 15 minutes later you were headed out the door to Urgent Care. You called to tell me that they did bloodwork and that she thought you were Jaundiced!!! (Duh… really??) I might have mentioned that!!
Dr Thosani did an ERCP thinking it could be a blockage of the bile duct, which there was! But he also found a small tumor at the entrance to the pancreas. They thought it was a Stage 1 or 2 at that time, but you weren’t a candidate for a Whipple procedure, so Dr. Moser (Oncologist) got involved. At that time bloodwork showed your CA 19-9 was almost 300. (Normal was 0-35).
From that point on the CA 19-9 was the scale from which we based everything… Whether chemo was working; whether radiation was working, etc. It was the ‘touchstone’ number from which all hope and emotions were based.
The first round of Chemo almost did you in! You were in a Trial Study which combined different drugs in different ways and would hopefully, offer a greater chance of remission. You fought so hard and kept such a positive attitude, but the side effects literally almost killed you. You ended up so weak and dehydrated. Your poor legs swelled up to 5 times their size. There were many hospitalizations during this time. Chemo was discontinued and you were put on Chemo pills for a while and between the two, your CA 19-9 went back down in the low-normal range. YAY! The emotional rollercoaster begins! You lost your hair, but actually looked really good as a bald guy! You totally rocked that bald look!
September 8, 2022
Today it was shown on an MRI that there were mets to the lungs. Dr. Moser gave you 12-14 months to live. Why did you always ask how long you had? You’re a much braver person than I would have been! At this point Dr. Sckolnik (Radiation Oncologist) got involved. He’s a really great doctor with a great sense of humor. He told us that with radiation, whenever a tumor popped up he would just hit it with a course of Radiation and blow it up! We referred to him as Dr. Whack-a-Mole! And he did that for over a year as all the mets stayed in the lungs. Radiation did well for you. It made you a little tired, but none of the Chemo side effects.
In July of 2023 you started having significant R. upper arm pain. Tylenol wasn’t covering it; heat or ice weren’t helping it, so you started going to a Chiropractor over by Safeway… He manipulated it, jostled it around with a vibrator machine. NOT GOOD! I finally asked you to please talk to Dr. Moser about it. Somewhere in the back of my brain I’m thinking if none of these therapies were working there MIGHT be a reason! A PET scan on 7/31/23 revealed that there were metastases to the bone. Once again you asked that ugly question and were told that you had 6-12 months to live. I remember sitting in Dr. Sckolnick’s office and not being able to breathe! They began radiation on your arm.
August 16, 2023
For two days you ended up walking around with your arm just hanging at your side you were in such terrible pain…The next day you were going in for a Radiation treatment (8/15/23) and they immediately wheeled you back out and said they couldn’t do radiation that day as your arm was fractured!!! The cancer had eaten its way through the bone.
On 8/17 you were transferred from Oncology to Cardiology as your heartrate started doing whacky stuff! But on Saturday, 8/19 heartrate and labs looked great again and they were planning on discharge to a Rehab Facility to regain some of your strength on Monday. They gave me a list of facilities to check out so I spent all day Sunday doing that. I found a great one! It was like a 4-star Hotel! I came over to see you on Sunday evening and gave them the name of the facility I thought you would like. You were sooooo tired. You said you weren’t in any pain, but you kept falling asleep while I was talking with you. I spoke with the nurse and she looked at the numbers and said you were fine! (Numbers don’t always make a person “fine”!) I left a note for you on your tray table and headed home.
8/21/23: I got to the hospital early on Monday to see you…which is really unusual for me. There is usually so much going on in the morning at a hospital that I usually wait until later in the afternoon. Change of shifts, medications, PT, docs rounding, etc. I have no idea why I went over that early. When I walked in a really sweet nurse told me that they weren’t sure what was going on, but things had drastically changed from yesterday. You were having trouble breathing. Your respirations were really shallow and your labwork didn’t look nearly as good. She wanted me to know that things weren’t looking good. Things were moving fast. A respiratory therapist from the ER came up and asked you if your breathing issues got worse did you want to change your “Do Not Intubate” order? You said you did not.
They took you down for a stat CT and just before going down you vomited up some blood. While you were gone Dr. Moser was doing rounds and I told him about it and he said that maybe one of the tumors had eaten through the esophagus and that is why there was bleeding. When you came back from CT I told you Dr. Moser had stopped by to see you and you asked if he was coming back. You were sorry you missed him. You had a lot of respect for that man! The CT showed lots of fluid in the abdomen (blood?) and your BP was hovering around 32/17!!!
At that point the head of Palliative Care came to talk with me and told me that you probably didn’t have more than a week left and asked if I was in agreement with Pain Control and being kept comfortable in the hospital. At this point it kind of felt like a “Deer in the Headlights” moment. You ALWAYS pulled through before. I knew you would this time! While I was talking with her, the nurse leaned her head out the door of your room and said, “Get in here NOW… He’s dying!
I’m so glad that I was able to be with you, stroking your face and talking about all the fun times we’d had as you passed. The nurse went to get some pain meds to help you through the ‘dying process’, but by the time she got back it was too late. You passed so quickly… For that I will be FOREVER GRATEFUL. I turned around and looked at my phone to see what time it was and it was EXACTLY 12:31… 12/31, our Wedding Anniversary!
Looking Back...
So many good memories! I don’t even know where to begin! It was just the simple day-to-day things that end up being so special! We took a couple great vacations, (Manzanillo, Mexico & the Alaskan Cruise) but in retrospect, it was all the fun little events like all the Cirque du Soleil shows that we saw every year, the TSO concerts that we loved so much!
You always had a love for animals and they all gravitated to you! Since I have been ‘one with animals’ since I was as young as I can remember, that was so important to me! Because of Liberty we have had Goats in the backyard that we bottle fed; Frisbee Chicken, that ate watermelon off our plates; Garth, the black bear that stayed for a couple days; a couple newborn Javalinas that imprinted on us and followed us all around the house; a Gila Monster in the bathtub (!); Rupert the Raven that we hand-raised from a tiny chick with eggshell still on its head; Rat-Cat, the sweet Ringtail cat that we hand raised; and Groucho, the sweet little Screech Owl! (Sorry about forgetting to hang the towel over the door handle a couple times when he was out! Oops!) You didn’t bleed too badly!
Shadoe was totally your pup! I know he loved me as well, but you were his person! Your games of hide and seek were hysterical! I know you loved him so much! And Velcro, the 18-year old cat I brought home from Brookdale when the owners family just left her in the room after their mother passed away… She LOVED you and slept with her head in your hand every night! Even Squirt totally left the Agility run he was doing when you showed up at the meet to watch! (Welp, THAT run was a waste of money!) So excited to see his Dad!
And sweet Peanut! I saved this little girl’s life when everyone wanted to euthanize her, and who does she choose as her person?? YOU! She would run over to your hand to have her neck scratched… I can’t pick her up without being bit, but you… She snuggled up on your chest with her head under your chin while you petted her! She so looked forward to heading back to the bedroom with you to watch TV every night after dinner and to whistle at each other! And she loved rides on your walker! You would walk through the office where I was working with her on the walker loving every minute of it! To this day she still calls you when it’s time for dinner… It’s been one of the hardest parts of this journey of loss! How do I explain to this sweet little girl that her favorite person in life isn’t coming back? And that you didn’t abandon her?? And why you don’t come over to her when she calls? She still calls my name in your voice! It’s like you’re in the other room it sounds so much like you!
No relationship is ever all good! Like all marriages, we definitely had our ups and downs! Your Passive-Aggressive nature drove me crazy as did many other things, but I’m sure I got on your nerves as well! We were opposites in many ways! You enjoyed sitting and watching TV… I loved moving and doing stuff! You were so quiet… Ummmm, I never was!! You liked people way more than I did!
In the end, however, those aren’t the times I remember tho! I remember things like you lovingly hanging Shadoe’s Christmas ornament on the tree every year; all the times we’d go out to breakfast or lunch during your last couple years as it was something you really enjoyed and could still do! Thursday afternoon $5 movies followed by Happy Hour at the Yard House at Desert Ridge. How much I enjoyed the Cabin that I’m pretty sure you bought because I wanted one so badly! Although you didn’t go up there nearly as often as Squirt and I did, it was soooo much fun! Going to Don and Charlie’s on our anniversary every year with a gift certificate that Mom would get for us… Trips to Barnes and Noble for coffee and to just hang out and look at magazines…
I’m so thankful for so many things about our life together. I’m so thankful you never had to suffer through the end stages of the cancer that moved into your bones. I’m thankful for the fact that when we headed in to the hospital that last time it was only to have your fractured arm casted and we didn’t know that you were leaving the house or the animals for the last time. Saying good-bye would have been unbearable! I’m glad your life didn’t end in Hospice with the realization that you were in your last days. It all ended so fast and if you had to leave this way, I’m eternally grateful it was fast and fairly pain free!
And some wedding photos…
It’s true what has always been said… It’s NOT the big things that are so important… It’s not the anything that could be bought that we remember… It’s all the little day-to-day things that make life important! You were a very ‘gentle’ man and I’m so grateful for having spent a large part of our lives together!
I love you… and I really miss you…!
“Those we have held in our arms for a little while,
we hold in our hearts forever.”
— Khalil Gibran
