{"id":2993,"date":"2023-08-21T00:00:08","date_gmt":"2023-08-21T07:00:08","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/retirement-rocks.com\/?p=2993"},"modified":"2024-01-04T15:28:17","modified_gmt":"2024-01-04T22:28:17","slug":"goodbyes-are-not-forever","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/retirement-rocks.com\/?p=2993","title":{"rendered":"Goodbyes are not forever…"},"content":{"rendered":"\t\t
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\u201cGoodbyes are not forever, \u00a0Goodbyes are not the end; it simply means \u2018I\u2019ll miss you,\u2019 until we meet again.\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t

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I have put off writing this post forever because I don\u2019t think there is any way I\u2019ll be able to do it justice.\u00a0 I probably still can\u2019t, but have chosen to try today\u2026 on what would have been our 35th<\/sup> Anniversary\u2026<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t

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The Cancer Journey...<\/h2>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t
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March 16, 2020<\/p>

Diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer.\u00a0 You hadn\u2019t been feeling well.\u00a0 You had been tired and not had any energy.\u00a0 I remember telling you that you looked jaundiced.\u00a0 Your skin had a yellow tint as did the whites of your eyes.\u00a0 In typical \u201cJoe\u201d fashion you said, \u201cNO I DON\u2019T\u201d!\u00a0 But 15 minutes later you were headed out the door to Urgent Care.\u00a0 You called to tell me that they did bloodwork and that she thought you were Jaundiced!!!\u00a0 (Duh\u2026 really??)\u00a0 I might have mentioned that!!<\/p>

Dr Thosani did an ERCP thinking it could be a blockage of the bile duct, which there was!\u00a0 But he also found a small tumor at the entrance to the pancreas.\u00a0 They thought it was a Stage 1 or 2 at that time, but you weren\u2019t a candidate for a Whipple procedure, so Dr. Moser (Oncologist) got involved. At that time bloodwork showed your CA 19-9 was almost 300.\u00a0 (Normal was 0-35).\u00a0<\/p>

From that point on the CA 19-9 was the scale from which we based everything\u2026\u00a0 Whether chemo was working; whether radiation was working, etc.\u00a0 It was the \u2018touchstone\u2019 number from which all hope and emotions were based.<\/p>

The first round of Chemo almost did you in! \u00a0You were in a Trial Study which combined different drugs in different ways and would hopefully, offer a greater chance of remission. You fought so hard and kept such a positive attitude, but the side effects literally almost killed you.\u00a0 You ended up so weak and dehydrated.\u00a0 Your poor legs swelled up to 5 times their size.\u00a0 There were many hospitalizations during this time.\u00a0 Chemo was discontinued and you were put on Chemo pills for a while and between the two, your CA 19-9 went back down in the low-normal range.\u00a0 YAY!\u00a0 The emotional rollercoaster begins!\u00a0 You lost your hair, but actually looked really good as a bald guy!\u00a0 You totally rocked that bald look!<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t

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September 8, 2022<\/p>

Today it was shown on an MRI that there were mets to the lungs.\u00a0 Dr. Moser gave you 12-14 months to live.\u00a0 Why did you always ask how long you had?\u00a0 You\u2019re a much braver person than I would have been!\u00a0 At this point Dr. Sckolnik (Radiation Oncologist) got involved.\u00a0 He\u2019s a really great doctor with a great sense of humor.\u00a0 He told us that with radiation, whenever a tumor popped up he would just hit it with a course of Radiation and blow it up!\u00a0 We referred to him as Dr. Whack-a-Mole!\u00a0 And he did that for over a year as all the mets stayed in the lungs.\u00a0 Radiation did well for you.\u00a0 It made you a little tired, but none of the Chemo side effects.<\/p>

In July of 2023 you started having significant R. upper arm pain.\u00a0 Tylenol wasn\u2019t covering it; heat or ice weren\u2019t helping it, so you started going to a Chiropractor over by Safeway\u2026\u00a0 He manipulated it, jostled it around with a vibrator machine.\u00a0 NOT GOOD!\u00a0 I finally asked you to please talk to Dr. Moser about it.\u00a0 Somewhere in the back of my brain I\u2019m thinking if none of these therapies were working there MIGHT be a reason!\u00a0 A PET scan on 7\/31\/23 revealed that there were metastases to the bone.\u00a0 Once again you asked that ugly question and were told that you had 6-12 months to live.\u00a0 I remember sitting in Dr. Sckolnick\u2019s office and not being able to breathe!\u00a0 They began radiation on your arm.<\/p>

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\u00a0<\/p>

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August 16, 2023<\/p>

For two days you ended up walking around with your arm just hanging at your side you were in such terrible pain\u2026The next day you were going in for a Radiation treatment \u00a0(8\/15\/23) and they immediately wheeled you back out and said they couldn\u2019t do radiation that day as your arm was fractured!!!\u00a0 The cancer had eaten its way through the bone.\u00a0<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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On 8\/17 you were transferred from Oncology to Cardiology as your heartrate started doing whacky stuff! But on Saturday, 8\/19 heartrate and labs looked great again and they were planning on discharge to a Rehab Facility to regain some of your strength on Monday.\u00a0 They gave me a list of facilities to check out so I spent all day Sunday doing that.\u00a0 I found a great one!\u00a0 It was like a 4-star Hotel!\u00a0 I came over to see you on Sunday evening and gave them the name of the facility I thought you would like.\u00a0 You were sooooo tired.\u00a0 You said you weren\u2019t in any pain, but you kept falling asleep while I was talking with you.\u00a0 I spoke with the nurse and she looked at the numbers and said you were fine!\u00a0 (Numbers don\u2019t always make a person \u201cfine\u201d!)\u00a0 I left a note for you on your tray table and headed home.<\/p>

8\/21\/23:\u00a0 I got to the hospital early on Monday to see you\u2026which is really unusual for me.\u00a0 There is usually so much going on in the morning at a hospital that I usually wait until later in the afternoon.\u00a0 Change of shifts, medications, PT, docs rounding, etc.\u00a0 I have no idea why I went over that early.\u00a0 When I walked in a really sweet nurse told me that they weren\u2019t sure what was going on, but things had drastically changed from yesterday.\u00a0 You were having trouble breathing.\u00a0 Your respirations were really shallow and your labwork didn\u2019t look nearly as good.\u00a0 She wanted me to know that things weren\u2019t looking good.\u00a0 Things were moving fast.\u00a0 A respiratory therapist from the ER came up and asked you if your breathing issues got worse did you want to change your \u201cDo Not Intubate\u201d order?\u00a0 You said you did not.\u00a0<\/p>

They took you down for a stat CT and just before going down you vomited up some blood.\u00a0 While you were gone Dr. Moser was doing rounds and I told him about it and he said that maybe one of the tumors had eaten through the esophagus and that is why there was bleeding.\u00a0 When you came back from CT I told you Dr. Moser had stopped by to see you and you asked if he was coming back.\u00a0 You were sorry you missed him.\u00a0 You had a lot of respect for that man! The CT showed lots of fluid in the abdomen (blood?) and your BP was hovering around 32\/17!!!\u00a0<\/p>

At that point the head of Palliative Care came to talk with me and told me that you probably didn\u2019t have more than a week left and asked if I was in agreement with Pain Control and being kept comfortable in the hospital.\u00a0 At this point it kind of felt like a \u201cDeer in the Headlights\u201d moment.\u00a0 You ALWAYS pulled through before.\u00a0 I knew you would this time!\u00a0 While I was talking with her, the nurse leaned her head out the door of your room and said, \u201cGet in here NOW\u2026 He\u2019s dying!\u00a0<\/p>

I\u2019m so glad that I was able to be with you, stroking your face and talking about all the fun times we\u2019d had as you passed.\u00a0 The nurse went to get some pain meds to help you through the \u2018dying process\u2019, but by the time she got back it was too late.\u00a0 You passed so quickly\u2026\u00a0 For that I will be FOREVER GRATEFUL.\u00a0 I turned around and looked at my phone to see what time it was and it was EXACTLY 12:31\u2026\u00a0 12\/31, our Wedding Anniversary!\u00a0<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t

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Looking Back...<\/h2>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t
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So many good memories!\u00a0 I don\u2019t even know where to begin!\u00a0 It was just the simple day-to-day things that end up being so special!\u00a0 We took a couple great vacations, (Manzanillo, Mexico & the Alaskan Cruise) but in retrospect, it was all the fun little events like all the Cirque du Soleil shows that we saw every year, the TSO concerts that we loved so much!\u00a0<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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You always had a love for animals and they all gravitated to you!\u00a0 Since I have been \u2018one with animals\u2019 since I was as young as I can remember, that was so important to me!\u00a0 Because of Liberty we have had Goats in the backyard that we bottle fed; Frisbee Chicken, that ate watermelon off our plates; Garth, the black bear that stayed for a couple days; a couple newborn Javalinas that imprinted on us and followed us all around the house; a Gila Monster in the bathtub (!); Rupert the Raven that we hand-raised from a tiny chick with eggshell still on its head; Rat-Cat, the sweet Ringtail cat that we hand raised; and Groucho, the sweet little Screech Owl!\u00a0 (Sorry about forgetting to hang the towel over the door handle a couple times when he was out!\u00a0 Oops!)\u00a0 You didn\u2019t bleed too badly!<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t

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Shadoe was totally your pup!\u00a0 I know he loved me as well, but you were his person!\u00a0 Your games of hide and seek were hysterical!\u00a0 I know you loved him so much!\u00a0 And Velcro, the 18-year old cat I brought home from Brookdale when the owners family just left her in the room after their mother passed away\u2026\u00a0 She LOVED you and slept with her head in your hand every night!\u00a0 Even Squirt totally left the Agility run he was doing when you showed up at the meet to watch!\u00a0 (Welp, THAT run was a waste of money!)\u00a0 So excited to see his Dad!<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t

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And sweet Peanut!\u00a0 I saved this little girl\u2019s life when everyone wanted to euthanize her, and who does she choose as her person??\u00a0 YOU!\u00a0 She would run over to your hand to have her neck scratched\u2026\u00a0 I can\u2019t pick her up without being bit, but you\u2026\u00a0 She snuggled up on your chest with her head under your chin while you petted her!\u00a0 She so looked forward to heading back to the bedroom with you to watch TV every night after dinner and to whistle at each other!\u00a0 And she loved rides on your walker! You would walk through the office where I was working with her on the walker loving every minute of it! To this day she still calls you when it\u2019s time for dinner\u2026\u00a0 It\u2019s been one of the hardest parts of this journey of loss!\u00a0 How do I explain to this sweet little girl that her favorite person in life isn\u2019t coming back?\u00a0 And that you didn\u2019t abandon her??\u00a0 And why you don\u2019t come over to her when she calls?\u00a0 She still calls my name in your voice!\u00a0 It\u2019s like you\u2019re in the other room it sounds so much like you!<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t

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No relationship is ever all good!\u00a0 Like all marriages, we definitely had our ups and downs!\u00a0 Your Passive-Aggressive nature drove me crazy as did many other things, but I\u2019m sure I got on your nerves as well!\u00a0 We were opposites in many ways!\u00a0 You enjoyed sitting and watching TV\u2026 I loved moving and doing stuff!\u00a0 You were so quiet\u2026 Ummmm, I never was!!\u00a0 You liked people way more than I did!\u00a0<\/p>

In the end, however, those aren\u2019t the times I remember tho!\u00a0 I remember things like you lovingly hanging Shadoe\u2019s Christmas ornament on the tree every year; all the times we\u2019d go out to breakfast or lunch during your last couple years as it was something you really enjoyed and could still do!\u00a0 Thursday afternoon $5 movies followed by Happy Hour at the Yard House at Desert Ridge. \u00a0How much I enjoyed the Cabin that I\u2019m pretty sure you bought because I wanted one so badly!\u00a0 Although you didn\u2019t go up there nearly as often as Squirt and I did, it was soooo much fun! Going to Don and Charlie\u2019s on our anniversary every year with a gift certificate that Mom would get for us\u2026 Trips to Barnes and Noble for coffee and to just hang out and look at magazines\u2026<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t

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I\u2019m so thankful for so many things about our life together.\u00a0 I\u2019m so thankful you never had to suffer through the end stages of the cancer that moved into your bones.\u00a0 I’m thankful for the fact that when we headed in to the hospital that last time it was only to have your fractured arm casted and we didn\u2019t know that you were leaving the house or the animals for the last time.\u00a0 Saying good-bye would have been unbearable!\u00a0 I\u2019m glad your life didn\u2019t end in Hospice with the realization that you were in your last days.\u00a0 It all ended so fast and if you had to leave this way, I\u2019m eternally grateful it was fast and fairly pain free!\u00a0<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t

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\"IMG_4634\"<\/figure><\/div>
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<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t
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And some wedding photos…<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t

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It’s true what has always been said\u2026\u00a0 It\u2019s NOT the big things that are so important\u2026\u00a0 It\u2019s not the anything that could be bought that we remember\u2026\u00a0 It\u2019s all the little day-to-day things that make life important!\u00a0 You were a very \u2018gentle\u2019 man and I\u2019m so grateful for having spent a large part of our lives together!<\/p>

I love you\u2026 and I really miss you\u2026!<\/em><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t

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\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 “Those we have held in our arms for a little while, <\/span><\/em><\/p>

we hold in our hearts forever.\u201d<\/span><\/em>\u00a0<\/span><\/span><\/p>

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 <\/span><\/span><\/p>

\u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0 \u00a0\u2014 Khalil Gibran<\/span><\/span><\/p>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u201cGoodbyes are not forever, \u00a0Goodbyes are not the end; it simply means \u2018I\u2019ll miss you,\u2019 until we meet again.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":3064,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[31],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2993","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-day-to-day-life"],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/retirement-rocks.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2993","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/retirement-rocks.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/retirement-rocks.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/retirement-rocks.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/retirement-rocks.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2993"}],"version-history":[{"count":37,"href":"https:\/\/retirement-rocks.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2993\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3076,"href":"https:\/\/retirement-rocks.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2993\/revisions\/3076"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/retirement-rocks.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/3064"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/retirement-rocks.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2993"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/retirement-rocks.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2993"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/retirement-rocks.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2993"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}